How to ask good questions Part 2

Step 4. "Why?" If you ask an open-ended question and don't follow it up for better understanding it almost nets as a half question. Asking why is a great way to better understand what people really mean, or really want. As a personal trainer completing new client intakes this is my most asked question and helps me understand what people really want, and from experience helps them truly understand what they're desiring as well. As you can imagine a typical goal of a client is weight loss. They often tell me they want to lose x amount of pounds. When I ask why they say something like it would help their clothes fit better, they would feel better, it's what they weighed before they had their first child etc. After a few "whys" asked for understanding, and sometimes a quick reframing of "what if you didn't lose any weight but you had that image you desired?" we realize it's not often about the actual pounds, but the feeling. The fit of clothes. Feeling sexy.

Take away, after a bit of discovery you can finish by summarizing what you understand to be true for them, and they will either agree or add to it. Then you know you're right there with them, instead of guessing.

Step 5 is an important step in slowing down. "How do you feel about that?". Too often people make a crucial mistake in inserting their own negative experiences into someone elses reality. Here are a few glances inside of this.

Example 1

Them: "I just got fired from my job"

You: "Oh my goodness I'm so sorry to hear that!"

Now they have an opportunity to show you how silly and wrong you are in assuming this was a bad thing.

** When in reality the situation could look like..

Them: "I just got fired from my job"

You: "Woah. How do you feel about this?"

Them: "I'm actually really looking at this like a positive. It's now giving me the freedom to start that business I always thought about, remember the one I told you I never had time for?"

You: "This is so exciting! I feel like you can really make this work and learn so many things along the way".

Example 2

Them: "Jill is no longer my girlfriend!"

You: "Oh good, I never liked her for you anyways".

Them: "What! No. We're engaged now!"

** Rather

Them: "Jill is no longer my girlfriend!"

You: "What!? I thought you were happy?"

Them: "Oh we totally are. We're just engaged now!"

You: "I'm so excited for you two!"

Slow down. Be sure. "Am I understanding correctly that..?" You shouldn't end up on a three minute rant that doesn't even need to be had because you misinterpreted someone.

Step 6 involves an adversary, or virtue signalling wonder. Finding alternatives. This one is most beneficial when you know someone well enough but you may have conflicting views. In my experience, this is something to avoid with social media trolls, as it takes removing emotions from the conversation and seeking to understand. Here is a lovely half vague example for us to ponder. If you understand the reference, message me on

Instagram. jacobsaunders1

Let's say you're country is in massive debt. A proxy war breaks out 4976 miles away. You decide to send 1% of your total debt to a foreign country that could have avoided said war. You put that foreign countries flag on your car or yard or tattoo'd on your forehead. Now a wildfire breaks out in your own country and wipes out thousands of homes and you send them Zero (0) dollars. A question may be, are you absolutely sure this is a great idea, and that in an alternative scenario it could have been better to rebuild your own country instead of supporting a war across an ocean? Sometimes someone may respond that it isn't a good idea. Then you know you're talking with someone crazy, and that is their prerogative.

We could create hyptheticals all day on this topic, but remain kind, and give a complete opposite option and see what the person thinks. Sometimes when we hear our own thought or agenda out loud we realize how silly it can be. Sometimes we don't even understand why we think something until we have to explain it. We could have been told to think this way by friends, the news, our parents, and we don't even know why we believe the thought. It's great to explore! Again, stay kind.

Hope you enjoyed this quick toolkit on asking questions to understand others, and yourself better.